Letters To The Twilight Fandom
by Nalia-R
Summary: a.k.a. Why we're one of the most hated fandoms in the galaxy next to bronies. A series of essays of my main problems when coming here. Funny, sarcastic, and a shitload of cursing when I really hate something.
1. Cullen's Read Twilight

**I have no idea why I'm writing this really. But I just feel as if I need to get some of my frustrations out. If you have any suggestions, or just want to scream at me, go ahead and leave it in a review. I of course realize there's a good chance this has been done before.**

_The Fact There's A Hundred Stories About The Cullen's Reading Twilight_

Seriously. Why? What need is there for this anymore?

I admit, there was a definite element of originality points that need to be awarded to the first person who thought of this, but did five hundred other teenage girls have to decide to do the exact same thing?

I've read the first two or so chapters of like, three of these. They all start out basically the same. One of the Cullen's, usually Alice because is just the sort of person who would pull some shit like that, finds the Twilight novels and forces the entire family to sit and read them together.

Now, I actually hate the original Twilight series, though I admire the endless amount of fan content that can be spun out of it. I, however, do not want to read all four books again. If I wanted to do that, I could go to the library or (blushes with shame) my bookshelf.

Also, I do believe there's an element of plagiarism that goes into the fact many actually type out every single sentence of the books in italics.

Seriously. Every. Single. Word.

I hate it.

It's ridiculous.

Now, I get that some of you might say, "Then don't read it!"

However, even though I don't bother to click on them, I can't help but notice one or two new ones every time I first click on that pretty blue link leading to the Twilight Fanfiction section. It actually produces a rage within me. Or, a slight irritation before I do what I usually do, which is set up my filters.

My final gripe with these stories have to be the fact that they just aren't all that cute to me.

Edward can read minds. He has everyone's thoughts in his head at all times. He wouldn't be able to be my friend because of the weird ass thoughts that flow through my head, but I digress.

No one can read Bella's mind, and that's good because of all of the embarrassingly stupid shit that goes through her mind. However, these stories are about how all of them decide to rifle through these thoughts.

Carlisle and Esme are like parents to her and Edward. Why would they want to hear about Bella's thwarted attempts for sex?

Rosalie, Emmett, Alice, and Jasper are like siblings to her. Yet, in the books she makes references to how bitchy she thinks Rose is, how stupid Emmett is, how pixie-on-crack like Alice is, and how Jasper can be a creep. Which could crush them.

Plus, in many stories her daughter is around hearing about how her mother once humped her boyfriend. And how she broke her spine and nearly killed her.

To top it all of, these are canon vampires, meaning that they have perfect memories. They will never forget any of this. They will always remember _every single thing._

So in a nutshell, I hate how there are five million of these stories, how it's potential plagiarism, and how unethical it is.

**Want to hear more of my rants? Just follow this story. Have some comments, leave them in a review. Next up is: Weak Bella.**


	2. Weak Bella

**Hello all! Welcome to my second rant.**

_The Fact That Weak Bella Is Even A Thing_

Has everyone read Fifty Shades of Grey? You know, the Twilight fanfiction that just had a few names changed and was then launched into the mainstream? You know they're making a movie based off of it, right? Yea, I'm totally not going to see it (looks away).

Anyway, go on some place like Goodreads and read the numerous reviews of it. You'll of course notice the sex crazed older women who obviously don't know they can get better stuff for free. However, you'll also notice many women complaining about how weak Anastasia (cough cough Bella cough cough cough) is. She's whiny and annoying and kinda of just a limp noodle who does what everyone says.

Anyone who's read the twilight series and wasn't dazzled by the fact Edwards spray on six pack sparkled like a fucking six year old at a fairy party will notice that Bella wasn't incredibly weak. You see, to be weak you need more of a personality. In the books she was sort of just...there.

Unfortunately, the fandom is currently populated by weak and flavorless Bella's who don't do much of anything. They'll do absolutely anything for their man as soon as they see them, willing to forgive the most terrible of things. I've read stories where Edward was abusive, or a rapist, or just a plain asshole, and Bella put up with it all.

First things first, I'm not talking about the abusive stories that are supposed to be about abuse. I'm talking about the ones where Edward is abusive, and everyone treats it like it's normal. No one makes any reference to it, its just a thing.

I've read stories where Bella was raped by Edward. Yes, actually certified rape. I mean in one he literally jumped her and pulled her into the bushes and raped her, impregnating her with a child and leaving severe emotional trauma scars on her. They later went on to get married.

Yes, there's a difference between a relationship where someone is dominant, and one is submissive, and one where someone is an abusive asshole, and the other weak. However, it seems many have not gotten this memo yet.

**Like this rant? Tell me all about it in a review. Next up: Bitch Mode Bella**


	3. Bitch Mode Bella

**Just to let ya'll know, I'm not about to update everyday. This is a more, when I feel like it thing.**

_The Fact That Bitchy Can Equal Strong_

As with all things I complain about, this can only be applied to when it,

A) Has no logical reason, or

B) Is so badly written that it really doesn't matter if it has a good reason or not. Because fuck you, that's why.

Numerous fics litter the fandom that star 'strong' Bellas. With the exception of a few that actually do have strong girls, most of these Bellas are usually just stubborn, annoying, whiny little girls who like to harp on anything and all things.

Before any of you ask, yes I'm exempt from the rule of harping in this case, because this is a story mainly about harping.

Anyone who's ever spent some time living in the internet will hear about the wave of people who say that if a girl hits a guy in a serious way, it's the same as a guy being physically abusive to a girl. Many of these Bellas are seriously abusive, hitting Edward/Whoever they were paired with, putting them down, making them feel like crap.

Instead of being strong in their morals, instead they're just stubborn, unwilling to bend to even common sense. They're the type of girls who will adamantly argue that the sky is green, without bothering to stick their heads out of a fucking window and looking up for themselves.

These girls aren't strong. They're annoying and as unrealistic as the weak bellas I described before.

Holy shit I just realized I've been reading Twilight Fanfiction for the past six years. Jesus fucking...

Anyway, this can always be excused if the fic is well written enough. Ever heard of xDreamlessx? She writes Bella/Alice, and is the one that convinced me with her story Butterfly Panic, that just because I'm convinced I'm straight, it does not mean that if I see a girl I happen to be radically attracted to I should turn the other cheek.

Her writing is funny, dry. Her Bellas are strong, but are some of the most unlikable girls you'll ever come across. They're bitter about absolutely everything. However, that bitter is placed on top of strength and an underlying vulnerability that gets me every time, because she's a good writer.

Plus, those Bellas have nice sides, and those sides make sense. They're realistic characters, yet we're handed numerous more characters in which Bella is just bitchy for no actual reason. She just is. She just walks around like she's on her period all the time but doesn't know how to control her underlying irritation like the rest of us, yet somehow she still manages to snag some superhot guy/girl.

Take it from someone who is severely emotionally damaged and has friends who are just as bad, if not worse; normal people don't act like that without an actual reason. Even if they're damaged. There's other types of wrong that can be going on with a person, and these Bellas have that wrong, even if they show some sudden burst of kindness towards a singular thing.

I call that the Hitler complex. Did you know that he actually helped Germany get back to its feet and had a special affinity for animals? Yea, doesn't really cancel out the millions of innocents he killed, now does it? Because he was an asshole. Like Bella.

**If you want to check out Butterfly Panic, it should be in my favorites list or at the very least the author should be in my favs list. Next chapter? "These aren't the droids you're looking for"**


	4. Sci Fi Lack

**Just a little disappointment from my perspective.**

* * *

_The Fact That In This Fandom, Sci Fi Is Lacking_

Remember in my last rant how I had that random, life shattering conclusion that I'd spent six years in this fandom? Yea, I'm still reeling too.

However, spending so long in this place has given me a unique perspective. Well, unique to anyone who has grown up here.

I've always loved Sci Fi. Aliens, technology, the works. I love it. However, this fandom is incredibly lacking in any and all things Sci Fi. It's terrible. I mean seriously, what's wrong with this place? You'd think that there'd be WAY more than there are.

I don't mean just run of the mill ones either, I mean good ones. Ask me and off the top of my head I can probably rattle off three good full length completed fics in which Edward is a struggling single father who meets Bella and then they do whatever the hell they do afterwards, or vice versa. Edward usually has a little girl, Bella almost always has a boy. My fav is A Rough Start. There's another awesome one where she's a nanny...

However, it's ten times harder to do that with Sci Fi. One of my favorite writers on this site is cupcakeriot, who consistently comes up with good Sci Fi, one of the only on this site that do. She does it in a tasteful way too.

One of my favorite Sci Fi's is Written in the Stars. It features a decently regal Bella trying to cope with the fact that her depression was cured in a snap and she was essentially kidnapped to become the wife of alien Edward.

Then there are the bad ones that I don't even bother trying to remember the names of because that would be wasting valuable brain storage.

Written in the Stars features tasteful, if very subtle tones of Stockholm Syndrome. Really I like the way it turned out, and I fully realize from the way the story was set up, it was ultimately better for Bella that she was kidnapped, as bad as that sounds.

However, I have read others that follow the same premise of kidnapping girls to be alien wives written in ways that frankly piss me off. While in Stars, Edward sincerely tries to win her heart, in these he instead uses a good mix of his attractiveness, subtle insults and intimidation, and the constant reminder that he's the one in control of their relationship to brainwash her.

Huh, kinda like Twilight.

The point is, it's possible for this fandom to come up with good Sci Fi that can titilate my senses. So do it.

Now.

I'm waiting.

* * *

**So I feel as if I'm unintentionally recommending a lot of fics, but oh well. I'm not about to even attempt to talk about a fandom without referencing any of the fics in the fandom.**

**So there's this chick in here called Follow My Owls, and she's writing this fic that offers her commentary on Twilight. Usually I hate commentary (Any one who had to deal with the Potterheads while they were going through their My Immortal phase would agree) but I love this one. I wish to forsake the male I am currently interested in and marry her. She shall be my wife, and we shall sit together and bash Twilight.**

**_So I was thinking of writing a series of my hatred of common portrayals in the Fandom of all of the main characters. What do you think? So if be doing an I depth of Bella and Edward, Alice, Emmett, Carlisle, Jacob, etc. leave your thoughts in a review, and I'll get started._**


	5. Mommy Dearest

**Hello again! This is a REAL update, contrary to my last which was a completely unrelated rant about something I felt strongly about, which was the capacity of minorities to be racist. Don't worry, that Nalia is gone now.**

**Anyway, this is the first in my series of rants against common portrayals of the main Twilight characters in fanfics. This one is Esme.**

_So like, is Esme Superwoman?_

By show of hands, who here has all read the Twilight Saga? And everyone better raise their hands, because no matter how much of a crap series it is, it doesn't mean that you don't have to go through the same painful experience the rest of us did.

I mean yes, when I first read the series I liked it, but I was also eleven, was the size of a hobbit, wore my hair in braids, and still played with dolls. So don't judge me. The idea of abstinence was still hot to me.

That means we all remember how in Twilight, Esme was painted as this (slightly annoying) woman who was able to cook flawlessly even though she lacked the ability to taste test without bias, have motherly instincts even though all of her brood came to her full grown or was older than her, and all the while maintained the perfect waterfall of caramel hair and fifties housewife goodness and never ever ever lost her temper.

Goddamn can someone hand me a gun?

Anyway, this absolutely wonderful *gag* two dimensional character portrayal of Esme has made it's way into some of the best stories on here. No matter what, Esme is perfect and she's always perfect and she's always going to be perfect because she's just the absolute best person who has ever lived.

Much like Bitch Mode Bella (BMB), Super Woman Esme (SWE) doesn't usually ever actually have much of a reason behind her perfection. She just is. She's like a mom, a Sue Mom.

SWE basically just popped fresh out of the womb with a baby blanket in one hand and a wooden spoon in the other. She's a Domestic Goddess, something that woman throughout the ages strived to be since that was one of the only things woman could be up until feminism got off of it's lazy ass and decided to do something about it.

Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being a Domestic Goddess. I'm a bit of one myself. Do I want a career? Yes. Do I also want to and know how to cook, clean, and take care of my future family? Also yes.

However, I have reason behind this. I'll admit, I might have been a little brainwashed. In the black community, if you're a woman you're expected to be either a Momma or a hoe. Can you be a high powered executive? Sure. But in a really close knit community where family is key, such as with Latinos, Blacks, Asians, Arabs etc, you're also expected to get married and have kids and you'll have a lot of pressure on you to do so.

For this reason, I was taught from a young age how to do all of these things. I loathe cleaning, but I like a tidy house. I love cooking for myself and others, and I'm quite great at it. This is mostly due from enduring cooking classes, learning from my grandmothers and aunts, and cousins and trial and error. I love kids, and when I'm 25 I plan on starting my family.

That's my reason for doing these things, and being good at them. But what's SWE's reason? There's no way she was just born that way. Usually, we don't get any sort of explanation. No, losing a child does not make you motherly to every single last being on the planet, it actually usually has the woman spiraling into an intense depression and being afraid of being motherly. I should know, I've known people who have lost a child.

You don't just know how to prepare a super difficult French dessert, you go through trial and error, so stop being such a perfect little...

She constantly serves as the listening ear to her 'childrens' problems, often offering Godlike wisdom or perfectly worded advice that we all know damn well normal people don't just come up on the fly with.

She somehow manages to keep her hair perfect through all of this. Bitch I can't even keep my hair presentable while sitting still.

Out of everyone in the Twilight Saga, I perhaps related to SWE the least, because of how much more unrealistic she is as a character even in contrast to the rest. This has barely gotten any better, because in fanfiction she usually still maintains her Sue Mom powers. I know reel back in shock whenever I read a fanfiction that has her as a realistic character with real motives behind her actions, or even strives to make her not as perfect, or maybe she's even the bad guy.

OMG PSYCHOTIC MOMMA ESME. SOMEONE WRITE IT OR REC IT TO ME NOW.

**Boom boom pow one character down. So which character do you want to see next? Carlisle? Carlisle it is.**


	6. Morgan Freeman

**Yessss part two in my series.**

_Carlisle isn't God._

Much like Esme is often framed as a Domestic Goddess, Carlisle is framed as Morgan Freeman.

Let me explain.

When Meyer wrote the Twilight series, we all know by now that it was more wish fulfillment on her part. She was Bella, and Edward was her dream guy (wut). She basically wrote a book about how she wished her life would have been back when she was a teen, which is why the story seems to be set further back in time than 2005, and Bella looks so much like she did at that age.

Hmm, I should write that into every one of these profiles...

Ok, so Esme is supposed to be like, the dream mother in law, right? Well, Carlisle is the dream father in law. All, understanding and shit I guess.  
So since this is fanfiction, in order to have an in character Carlise, we have to write a version that's close to the books...Morgan Freeman.

In fanfiction, Carlisle is perfect as often as Esme is. He can do no wrong.

A Christ like figure!

Oh my fucking God Carlisle is supposed to be a Christ like figure. Well, I think. Meyer is sort of an idiot, but I think that she meant to write him that way to an extent. Let,s just pull up a list of traits required in literature for a character to be a Christlike figure and check, shall we?

1. _crucified, wounds in the hands, feet, side, and head_  
Not quite. I don't count the wounds he had to gain in his neck to become a vampire since they healed up.

2. _in agony_  
Yes, constant agony due to the burning thirst in his throat and conflict to his puritanical upbringing.

3. _self-sacrificing_  
Very much so. Puts aside his own desires (his instincts to drink human blood) in order to save others lives.

4. _good with children_  
'Newborns' so close enough. He also works with children in the hospital most likely.

5. _good with loaves, fishes, water, wine_  
Nope.

6. _33 yrs of age when last seens_  
Not quite, as he was turned when he was 23

7. _employed as a carpenter_  
No, but you know what, I'm going to give him this anyway. He's a healer, and Christ was a healer too.

8. _known to use humble modes of transportation, feet or donkey preferred_  
A bit of a reach with this one, but as a vampire he probably preferred to use his feet for the majority of his life.

9. _believed to have walked on water_  
He's a vampire. He can run on water. He probably has, since if I was a vampire I would just for kicks.

10. _often portrayed with arms outstretched_  
Nope, unless you count count how he figuratively always has his arms open for his children. Dear God...

11. _known to have spent time alone in the wilderness_  
He forced himself into exile after becoming a vampire, hiding in a cave before he finally fed on a deer.

12. _believed to have had a confrontation with the devil, possibly tempted_  
Many believe the Volturi to be figures of this. There's also the fact he believed himself a devil and his creator a devil, he's tempted by blood.

13. _last seen in the company of thieves_  
Nope.

14. _creator of many aphorisms and parables_  
I'll just count the whole vegetarian thing.

15. _buried, but arose on the 3rd day_

When he was changed, he hid himself in a potato caller and arose on the third day.

FINAL SCORE: 9/15

And that's not even counting the figurative arms thing.  
That leaves us with many, many goody two shoes that make me want to rip my eyes out. He's rarely written as a man with true flaws, instead with unrealistic ones such as, 'too passionate', 'too loving', 'too selfless', 'tortured by a dark past but still maintains a heart of gold'.

We almost never see 'Normal Man Carlisle' and even less do we see 'Douchebag Carlisle' because that would be 'OMG TOO OOC 4 ME'.  
One of my favorite Carlisle's I seen comes from the Trailer Trash collection. He's an asshole. Hot.

So basically, Carlisle was written to be the Messiah of vampire vegetarianism or whatever, so therefore in order to write him in character we have to portray a man more suited to play a part more suited to be in a child's biblical story.

*gag*

**Sorry my rants haven't been as hate filled lately, it's just that I can't feel genuine hate for either Carlisle or Esme. I like them, I just feel as if they can be written as better characters more often. Honestly, I didn't hate any of the characters (Except Bella and Edward). Next up? Lets have...Emmett. My monkey man.**


	7. Monkey Man

**Another rant for the win. I feel like re reading the Harry Potter series again.**

Does Emmett have to always be an idiot?

Semi Stock Character.

Basically.

He was cast to the background many a time because he wasn't Edward.

In the novels, Emmett was the comic relief. His story was never delved into nearly as much as any of the other characters, all we know from the books is that he was mauled by a bear, and anyone who bothered to read further into his history (because why not I'm not doing anything else with my life) learns that in contrast to every single last vampire in the book, he's had a normal existence.

Just for that, he's a normal guy, who happens to be hyper intelligent due to his vampire brain and abnormal strength even for a vampire. He likes to joke and smile, because he doesn't have scars like the rest.

Damned. Abused. Raped. War. Insanity. Pandemic.

Then there's Emmett.

Most likely if any of us turned into a vampire, the mass majority of us would be like him. Though he can be reckless, thoughtless, impatient, and crude, he's definitely the most human like of all of them.

However, somehow we translated all that and then said "Emmett is a complete fucking idiot who doesn't know shit."

I mean sure, yes there are fleshed out Emmett's out there. Yes, there are ones where he actually possess the IQ and social skills of the average human and where he isn't a bumbling fool. However, those are few and far inbetween.

Instead, we're left with the exact same Emmett, only dumped into slightly different situations. How someone expects him to be believable as an FBI agent but still have the brains of a two year old on crack is anyone's guess. He also usually crack sex joke after sex joke because of course that's the only thing on his mind. Besides, you know, the actual things going on around him.

This is one of those cases where Stephanie Meyer actually usually wrote a better character (Gasp!) than many of the writers here.

Are you seriously going to let Bell-, oops sorry, Stephanie be a better writer than you? Really?

She wrote a normal guy that she for once didn't completely bash, unlike Mike, Eric, Tyler, etc. Yet we interpreted him as an idiot, because that's what Bella said she was. Just like Rosalie and Lauren were bitches, Alice was on narcotics, Jessica was a prying chattermouth, Edward was sweet and romantic, etc. The amount we've been influenced by what Bella thinks is incredible.

I just realized that what I just wrote conflicts somewhat. Stephanie didn't bash Emmett like she did all the other normal guys. Bella was written to think he was nice, if somewhat of an idiot. Because, you know, Eddie is just a giant bowl of perfection.

So, since Bella said he was an idiot, which is honestly kind of funny because look who it's coming from, we all think he's one. A nice, funny, cool idiot, but one all the same.

I don't think any of you understand how tired I am of reading about stupid Emmetts. Usually the better stories make him a bit more believable, and the high school ones make him douchier which makes me laugh, but still. Why does he have to be stupid? Why? Just why? It annoys the hell out of me.

The smartest, or one of the smartest Emmett's I found was one where he couldn't help but be somewhat intelligent, because he literally absorbed information from books. It shouldn't have to come to that.

Ok, that's it. Someone write hyper genius Emmett now.

**Sigh, this is part of my campaign to write a new chapter in each of my projects going on...this is gonna take awhile. So next up is Rosalie.**


	8. Queen Bitch

**This is actually going to be a rather dark chapter, because Rosalie is a rather dark character. I apologize for any upset emotions caused by the subject matter, because it's impossibly hard to make this light and happy.**

_Why is Rosalie the supreme reigning bitch?_

As always, flash back to when you read Twilight. I know, it was a dark and terrible time for most of us, but still.

Now, think back to what you think of as a Mary Sue. Above all, the main characteristic of a Mary Sue is that she's considered this awesomely amazing person to a point where she's almost worshiped as a goddess. Everyone who dislikes her is obviously a lunatic. Bella was a Sue, and this is a fact and we all know this but I felt the need to refresh our memories. Rosalie disliked her. Obviously she was a lunatic.

I'm not even sure how to approach this. I'm going to get serious for a second.

Rosalie is one of my favorite characters. Not just in the books, but actually one of my most favorite characters of all time. Not because she hated Bella or that she was beautiful, but because I connect with her on a deep level, more so now than I did when I was younger.

She was realistic, heartbreakingly realistic to me, mostly because I know what it's like to go through a lot of the things she has. To crave children, to be forced to do something sexual, to feel degraded, to hate who you are, to want to die, to become closed off and build up a wall to those who threaten my way of living.

Some say that Rosalie was hypocritical because though she hated who she was, she changed Emmett and continued living though she hated her existence. On the Emmett thing, I can't answer. I know I'd do the exact same thing, but I can't tell you why. They said it was because he reminded her of her friend Vera's children.

However, on the why didn't she kill herself thing, I can answer a bit more. You can hate yourself and want to die, yet still decide not to kill yourself. It's hard to explain...it's sorta like, you have so many reasons to die, but there's going to be this nagging voice in the back of your head telling you that you need to survive. It's evolutionary.

Think of every victim of everything you can imagine. War, losing your entire family, sexual assault, the holocaust for gods sakes. Why do you think most of them don't kill themselves? It's not because it isn't traumatic. It's because we're made to survive. Most suicides are of-the-moment things, made during a rash decision.

When thwarted, many don't attempt a second time and even less try a third time. Build a high bar on a bridge so people can't jump off? Suicide rates go down. Take out gas ovens? Suicide rates go down. Make it hard, give a person room to think, and that evolutionary need to survive kicks in. It isn't because we're lazy, but when the opportunity to act rashly is taken away you think a lot more about what the hell you're doing. You may not be sure you deserve to live, but when you're holding that knife and the door slams open you have second thoughts on whether or not you deserve to die.

Now that I'm done with that, imagine Rosalie. Beauty being held as one of her highest prizes, she's now one of the most beautiful beings in the world. Shallow, yes, but understandable considering what kind of era she was raised in. She's closer to her animal side now, so she feels closer to the need to survive. She's nearly impossible to kill. She's, yes, strong. Not sweet or nice, but just because she isn't doesn't inherently make her a terrible person.

While resentful still of lost opportunities, she now has something concrete to live for. Yes, she is going to be a little iffy around Bella. Bella is a bitch and no one should like her as it is, plus she wants to willingly become the very thing that makes many of them believe they're damned.

When brought over to Fanfiction, we gratefully see many good Rosalie's. Some are unjaded by the ways of the world and are truly sweet, if sometimes a bit weak. Some are sweet but strong. Some are not so sweet but still oh so strong. Some aren't sweet at all, but with an underlying sense of loyalty and morality.

Some are bitches, and while I believe that Rosalie wasn't a true bitch, but a guarded, wounded girl, I do love a well written bitchy or even evil Rose. What I don't like is when Rosalie is written as a complete one dimensional bitch with no cause whatsoever.

Contrary to Fanfiction belief, you aren't born a bitch. While your brain is prewired, you have to have a certain upbringing to make you turn out a way. The only things that are set are things like sexuality and sociopathy. Much like Bitch Mode Bella, these Rosalie's are just absolutely awful, especially because a lot of the Bella's in these situations are just goody two shoes know it alls I feel the need to throw against a wall.

In these cases they're usually Twihards so loyal to canon Bella they dislike everyone else.

Here's a made up A/N to prove my point.

**OMG guis stahpp complaning abot Ros! She iz liek totes in charater! i kno dat she thre Bela in a well and kiked her in da stomac but dats jus somfink she would do! Ros iz liek so men in da book to por Bela who was liek so nic and sweat and Ros hatted her for no reson!**

I guess my point in this chapter is, you can't say you're making a canon Rosalie and then make her a bitch without a cause. While she wasn't nice, she wasn't like that. You also shouldn't make a bitch without a cause period, because there's a thing called a fleshed out character. You can make her sweet I guess, but write it well.

You know what? Fuck it. If there's anything you ever need to know about writing a plot or a character, is to write them well. Everyone has a backstory that influences how they act, even secondary characters. Don't just slap words on paper and hand it to me like some giant pile of steaming shit.

**Not sure I did as well as I usually do...oh well. Next up is Alice.**


	9. Edward Cullen: Dick for Hire

**A break in my series of character rants. It's also full of spoilers but not the type that'll ruin the whole story. I'm only seven chapters in.**

So recently I've been reading this fic called Edward Cullen: Dick for Hire. It stars Edward as a Private Investigator, or P.I. who is hired by the local police department (it's set in D.C.) to solve a murder. He's paired with Bella, fresh off the plane from Washington with a degree in psychology and a black belt in her pocket, ready to get into the big bad world. It's a pretty good story. The plot is interesting and entertaining, the mystery aspect gets me going. However, there have been times where I just had to set down my phone and not read anymore.

Why?

Why when this story is so interesting do I put it down?

Because of fucking Bella.

The Bella of this story annoys the everliving shit out of me.

I don't even know where to get started with her.

So, we get our first impression of her, which is supposed to establish her as some sort of badass. Edward took some photos of the mayor cheating for his wife because she hired him for it. The mayor decided to send newbie in town, Bella Swan, to ruin them. So she shows up in all leather and accidently on purpose walks into the darkroom where he is and destroys them.

Of course, we learn later that she didn't even know the papers were of him cheating, but whatever.

Anyway, when she walks in she pretends at first like it was a total accident and he didn't know what she was doing, despite his numerous warnings to not come in and wait till he got to her.

We're supposed to forgive her for that, and I do, absolutely. She was doing her job and apparently the mayor told her it was actually pictures of him sunbathing.

However, I can't forgive the fact that even after they start working together, she pulls that sort of shit ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

The Edward of this story is an asshole. He drinks too much and has family issues and whatnot. He definitely isn't without flaw, but I absolutely adore him. But we're supposed to feel sorry for poor, sweet Bella who has to deal with him while 'falling' for him.

This Bella thinks prying into someones life who's shes barely known for a few days is a good idea. About one or two days after they met in the darkroom, she's asking him deep, probing questions about why he doesn't get along with his brother and "OMG you have daddy issues too?"

SHE WON'T STOP.

She interrogates him and then gets mad because he doesn't want to answer or explain fully. I don't think she realizes quite yet that most people won't tell you their entire life story that quickly. One of her favorite hobbies is to finger through his files while he's not in the room, then getting huffy and puffy when he tell her to cut that shit out. She even has the balls to go into a file she knows to be highly personal, one about the murder of a close friend of his, and attempts to read through it. She doesn't ask. They've been partners for 24 hours.

Thankfully most of the story is told from Edward's point of view because whenever we get a glimpse into Bella's mind it's all "EDWARD EDWARD EDWARD OMFG EDWARD SO HOT SO HOT SO HOT SO HOT EDWARD EDWARD dumbass thought EDWARD!"

Yes, there are things that redeem her from canon Bella, such as her ability to protect herself and such, but that doesn't help when you're caught in the black pit of her thoughts.

Oh, and that thing I told you about her repeating the darkroom incident?

Several times in the story Edward does something or tells her to do something and she flips out or disobeys him. Only once so far has that actually worked out for her, when they were up against some gangbangers.

The rest of the time she just seems to want to question him to seem, I don't know, something? I know, I'm all about feminism and equality and all that jazz. However, there's a difference to bowing down to some man and listening to someone who has way more experience in a field than you do. He's been working in their field for almost five years. She didn't even exist to them till last week.

He knows the system is corrupt. She's seen that it's corrupt. He knows how to work it to get the right thing done. She doesn't. Why the fuck does she think she knows everything? Why does she constantly question everything he does? Why does she interrupt him, or stop him? Why does she annoy me so much?

Sigh...if you think I'm being too harsh, think about this. If she wasn't attractive, no one would like her. If her name was Jessica or Tanya, no one would like her. It's that simple. I should write a rant on that...

**Ahhh, that was therapeutic. If you want me to offer my perspective on any other story, just leave me the name and who it's by in the reviews. I'll work it into one of my rants.**


	10. Dick for Hire

**Sorry guys, I said I would have the Alice chapter up next, but this story just makes me so...by the way I say yes to the marriage proposal and offer of friendship from the reviews I recently got. What's up?**

So since I last talked to you guys I've read a few more chapters of Dick for Hire. Bella hasn't grown on me whatsoever, but she had her decent moments now and I'm usually able to stand her for longer periods of time until she says or does something super stupid.

To catch ya'll up, after having a rather hot session (or I'm assuming rather hot, I kinda skipped over all of it) in a courtyard, they went back inside to a gala being held in their honor for a case they worked on together. Really, the case smells fishy, but that's not the point.

Edward is a lone wolf all the way, and when at the gala the corrupt police force said that he and Bella said they should come on as partners permanently, he said no because,

1) That police force is corrupt as shit. I'm pretty sure the leader of their force and one cop is in on an old unsolved murder case.

And 2) He's more of a loner. He typically does his best work by himself, has been doing it successfully for years, and doesn't want a partner.

Or course Bella flips shit because she thinks it's personal even though even Forrest Gump would realize it's not, and challenges him to an idiotic competition in which they compete for the position he doesn't even want in the first place to see who can solve the most cases.

Let me remind you she's had this job maybe one fucking week.

This all got me riled up of course, but here's a part after they were done on the second case they had to compete on:

_"Asshole!" She said loudly, but not screaming, at least I had that goin' for me._

_She pulled her hand back to slap me but I caught it by the wrist, mid god damn air people. I'm a quick motherfucker._

_She tried to pull out of my grasp, but I held on tighter, not letting her go. She looked like she wanted to pounce me, which, let's face it, that coulda been fun… and I almost fucking laughed at her._

_I didn't, Jesus, I'm just sayin', it was hard not to laugh at her._

_The look in her eyes was a questioning one. Kinda like 'hmmm, should I kiss him, or kill him?'_

_I was about to make the decision for her when her knee made contact with Eddy Jr. hard on the… well, you get my drift._

_Fuck._

_"Jesus, Swan."_

_Mother of… hell that hurt._

_I bent down, letting the pain subside, and this time, she leaned down to my ear to whisper for me. "I told you, not… to fucking… man handle me."_

Now, before he had been talking about how she dragged him into an elaborate lie in which she told Charlie and Jake that they were in a relationship, and joked (kinda, he really wants to) about when they were going to consummate the relationship and could he give her oral, so she responded with trying to slap him.

...

I'm sorry, I just have such a huge problem with double standards concerning male/female violence. I get that males are naturally stronger and bigger and all of that shit, but this is still bull.

She shouldn't be slapping him, or attempting too. It wasn't in any way necessary, it wasn't cute, it wasn't funny. She also shouldn't get mad at him when he stops her from hitting him, and retaliating by kneeing him in the balls.

I know, I know, with the whole kiss thing he was about to make the decision for her. I'll just say that every time we get into Bella's head, we learn that no matter what the fuck is happening she wants him to do something exactly like that, so it isn't like she wouldn't have given in within a millisecond. Is it right? Not really.

However with the whole violence thing, imagine instead it was written like this:

_"Bitch!" He said loudly, but not yelling, at least I had that goin' for me._

_He pulled his hand back to slap me but I caught it by the wrist, mid god damn air people. I'm a quick motherfucker._

_He tried to pull out of my grasp, but I held on tighter, not letting him go. He looked like he wanted to pounce me, which, let's face it, that coulda been fun… and I almost fucking laughed at him._

_I didn't, Jesus, I'm just sayin', it was hard not to laugh at him._

_The look in his eyes was a questioning one. Kinda like 'hmmm, should I kiss her, or kill her?'_

_I was about to make the decision for his when his knee made contact with my gut, knocking the wind out of me._

_Fuck._

_"Jesus, Cullen."_

_Mother of… hell that hurt._

_I bent down, letting the pain subside and catch my breath, and this time, he leaned down to my ear to whisper for me. "I told you, not…to fucking…man handle me."_

If you didn't read that, go back and do it right now.

As you can see, things seem a lot worse when it's written like Bella is the one about to be slapped.

Fucking fucker...

**Comment, questions, or concerns? Please leave them in a review. Unless this story (cough cough Bella cough) pisses me off again the next chapter for sure will be Alice.**


	11. Crack Bunny

**So thanks to annamorphos for reviewing each of my chapters in one sitting and merdarkandtwisty for faithfully reviewing each as they come.**

**brownbagspecial- Your line about Bella made me laugh way too hard, and despite her parentage Renesmee seems to have turned out decently normal. About the beauty thing, I agree. I just believe that with that being one of her most prized possessions in her human life, she most likely would have felt a brief moment of satisfaction.**

I'm getting to a point where I'm surprised if Alice isn't on drugs or bipolar.

Oh Alice. Alice Alice Alice.

You know, I once read this story in which Alice was on narcotics and I thought to myself 'everything finally makes sense in my life'.

Alice in the books wasn't that bad. I actually liked her, kinda. Not as much as Rose or Emmett or etc, but she definitely wasn't on my hit list.

I thought her to be rather interesting. I even took the time to read this fic that detailed her history. I didn't read the sequel that detailed her life after she met Jasper, but I think I will now.

How do I go about this?

Somehow when Alice was translated to fanfiction we decided to give her Red Bull for blood. She's almost always hyper and probing and annoying as fuck. I want to crush her. I hate her. She's the typical Manic Pixie Dream Girl with an extra dose of MANIC MANIC MANIC and I just can't fucking deal.

Seriously, with some of the Alice on here I would have locked her up in a closet without food or water long ago.

She's very often paired with an introverted Bella who'd rather wear comfortable jeans and shoes than some super tight dress and sky high heels, and who'd rather stay at home with a few friends or read a good book on a Friday night than party at a club.

Yes, sometimes there are Bella's who are so socially impaired that they can't form a full sentence without fainting, and they need help. However most of the time these Bella's are just normal, introverted people who aren't comfortable in a large crowd.

There's nothing wrong with this, yet Alice is always like "OMFG totes Bells you need to break out of your shell! 3 3 3"

To quote one of my favorite Cracked writers, if you break a turtle out of their shell, they die. They turtle comes out when it's damn well ready to come the fuck out and screw you for trying to crack that poor turtles shell and destroy it's home and livelihood. WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU?

We live in what's somehow become at once an introverted and extroverted society, mainly due to the influence of the internet. On the computer most of our younger generation is just like:

"Yea I'm an awkward turtle. I have no social skills and would rather stay in my room and like, eat food and be on tumblr."

"Boyfriend? You mean foodfriend?"

"Food and music are my lovers."

As you may have noticed, all of those quotes involved food because somehow liking to eat has become a cute 'quirk', instead of something we need to survive. I know not everyone who reads my story is from America, but I have to say this.

These teenagers are the reason America is fat. Fuck you bitch, liking to eat is not a fucking quirk and I will say this through my mouth full of my bitching hypocritical cheeseburger.

Anyway I just got way off subject here. Oh yea, awkwardness. Lower social skills and being isolated is viewed as something nice and great, but the problem with this is that many of the people saying this are actually super extroverts who get freaked out whenever they find out someone actually likes doing the things they described.

Alice is one of these people. The ones who'll say, "Aw that's so cute! I'll just do it with you and then drag you out to a place you really don't want to be."

In addition to this, she's sooo noisy allll the time. She lives to get into others business and doesn't stop till she's like that awkward third person on a date. In Edward/Bella stories she sits there like some freaking puppet master.

She'll nag, and berate, and pry, and on and on and on. Her interest in fashion is taken to becoming everyone's closet goblin and compulsive shopping sprees that in some parodies has led her to getting the help she so clearly needs.

She never sleeps, never breathes, never eats, and it leads me to wonder. In these stories, what the hell is Alice doing with her life. I mean, usually Bella and Edward have so much other shit they have to do. Jobs, kids, other relationships, saving the world. Yet Alice is mysteriously always available. Doesn't she have other stuff to do?

Sigh, whatever. I'm so fucking done. My favorite Alice's nowadays are the mute ones.

**Need further reading on the problems of introverted people in an extroverted world? Visit my profile here I'll have a couple links posted.**


	12. Relax Bro

**So school has started back up for me. I already can't wait for summer.**

_Oh Jasper. Jasper Jasper Jasper._

I'm not exactly sure what to do with Jasper. Canon him didn't really do all that much at first. He was tortured and brilliant. He had blonde hair, screwed Alice on a regular basis, and fought in the Civil War.

Unlike some, I didn't find it all that creepy that unlike the rest of his family, he would just sit quietly in the room while the rest of them conversed. Some people are just like that, and would rather only speak when they felt they had something relevant to say.

That being said...OMFG I FUCKING LOVE FANFIC JASPER.

I have almost NOTHING bad to say about him. Yea, sometimes they make him a bit too chill, but other than that he's usually just so...cool.

The accent, the dirty jokes, the sex, the weed, the gothness, the wittiness, the tech aptitude, etc. So much works. It's brilliant, really, how well he's integrated into the fandom.

That's honestly all I have to say.

**So I realized that I just made you wait so long for something this short, so I wrote another chapter too.**


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